Hidden Agenda
by damoisella
Summary: Sequel to 'Disconnection' (listed below highly recommended to read first)


Disclaimer: The usual...

Author's Notes: Okay, so in hindsight I realise that Tess was nothing more than a plot device here. Which was completely unintentional, as she and Evan were a favourite of mine when she was onscreen. Oops.

I might have strayed off track through this one; I was in distinctly different moods while writing it, and I'm not sure if it has affected the outcome or not.

Feedback, as always, is as welcome as fertiliser is to my much-neglected garden. Heh.

Lyrics: Back For Good, by Take That. (remember them?)

Summary: Sequel to 'Disconnection'.

-----

Hidden Agenda

Evan climbed down the Imperial stairs, tugging fruitlessly at the knot around his neck. Giving up on perfecting his tie, he flashed Chris a smile that didn't seem to reach his eyes; there was obviously something on his mind. "Morning."

The publican didn't reply, but merely nodded to a point behind him. He spun around to see Tess sitting on a chair placed randomly near an empty table. A small baby carrier sat on another chair next to her. "Hi," she greeted warmly.

"Hi," he replied, surprised. "What are you doing here?"

"I'm leaving today," she replied. "I thought you might like to know."

"You're leaving already?" he repeated.

"I said three days, Evan," Tess reminded him. "And since when have I ever been known to break my own deadlines?"

He gave a reluctant smile. "Never, I suppose."

She nodded back, and paused. "Will I see you before then?"

"What time are you leaving?"

"About noon. We've got to get back to Melbourne before dark."

"I'll come and see you off, then."

Tess hesitated. "You don't have to – I mean, you shouldn't..."

"No, no," he insisted, "I'll take some personal time. Ben won't mind."

"Well..." she trailed off, thinking hard. "Only if you're sure."

"I'm sure."

She finally smiled again. "So I'll see you then?"

"No worries," he promised.

With a quick wave at Chris, she left the pub, taking Andrea with her.

-----

A coffee-filled mug slid under Susie's nose, blocking her way of half-finished paperwork. She looked up, startled, to see Jo's curiously kind face looking at her.

"You want to tell me what's up?"

She crinkled her brow. "Tell you what's up with what?"

Jo sighed disdainfully. "You said you'd be coming to the Imperial last night. You didn't."

"I was tired," Susie replied, almost too quickly.

"Funny, so was Jonesy," Jo said in mock pondering. "He went straight up to his room, saying the same thing."

Susie gave a brief, uninterested nod, and moved her coffee off her work.

"What's wrong, eh?"

"Why do you ask that?" Susie said carefully.

"It's not like you to turn down PJ's shout."

"Like I said, Jo," she replied impatiently, "I was tired."

"Susie, you have really got to find yourself a new excuse," Jo retorted severely, before leaving her alone.

Susie watched her go, knowing that, deep down, she was being too hard. Jo was just trying to help, after all – even if her nosey methods left a lot to be desired. But how could someone understand her situation? Especially when no one was meant to know that she and Evan had been together in the first place. For their relationship to deteriorate so quickly was a shock even to her – she couldn't possibly tell Jo.

Her thoughts were interrupted by the usual clang of the flyscreen door. "Morning," came the voice of none other than Evan himself. She kept her gaze firmly fixed on the page in front of her, knowing that he would glance over at her, no matter how inconspicuously he did it. His voice made a shiver go down her spine; from what, she didn't really know.

"Slept in, did you?" Jo jeered.

Evan rolled his eyes. "No, actually – I just bumped into someone at the Imperial." His eyes flickered towards Susie, an involuntary movement. She winced at this 'someone', knowing full well who he was talking about; and at that moment, he knew that she was listening hard, no matter what her body language suggested.

"Oh, who?" Jo questioned.

"Just an old friend," he replied, unconcerned.

"I see," the senior constable said suspiciously, but deciding to leave the grilling for another time, preferably when the atmosphere of the station was not so on edge.

-----

"Jo, take Jonesy out on patrol with you," Ben instructed later that morning.

"I'll take Susie, if you don't mind, Sarge," Jo replied smoothly. Shooting a glance at Evan, she added, "No offence, Jonesy." He merely shrugged.

Ben looked at the brunette through narrowed eyes. What was she up to...? "Fine," he sighed, waving a hand. "Just go."

Susie gave her friend a wary look, once they were out of the station. "What was that for?"

"I just thought you needed some time out of the station," Jo replied airily, starting the ignition.

"Well, thanks for the thought, but really – I'm fine."

"Well, if this is what Susie Raynor is when she's fine, I'd hate to see her in a touchy mood," she rebuked.

Susie sighed. "Why is it how I feel suddenly everyone's business? You, and Ben..."

"It's because we care, Suse," Jo replied, her tone serious. "You haven't been yourself for days now – then again, neither has Jonesy, and -"

The mention of him caused Susie's face darken. "Any problem I may have, I'll sort out myself – not to say there's a problem," she added hurriedly. Jo wasn't fooled.

"Maybe if you just talk to him -"

"Talk to who?"

She snorted contemptuously. "Stop kidding yourself, Susie. Just talk to him, you might be surprised." Susie didn't reply, but only because she didn't know what to say without incriminating herself. "Well, at least take a few days off."

"No way, Jo."

"Then deal with it, and move on!" The senior constable took her eyes off the road for a moment to glance over at her colleague. "The choice is yours, Suse."

Susie sighed to herself, her mind ticking.

-----

"Ben, can I talk to you for a minute?" Susie requested upon arriving back from patrol.

"Sure," he replied easily, following her over to the kitchenette. "What's wrong?"

"Can I have a few days off, starting tomorrow?" Susie asked quietly, holding her breath. Ben instantly looked concerned at the sudden request.

"Has something happened? Are you okay?"

"I just need a few days break," she repeated. "Please," she added.

He could see she meant it; Susie wouldn't ask for time off unless she felt it was important. Her face was a mixture he hadn't seen before: hesitant, unsettled... almost afraid. He nodded slowly. "I'll see to it. You're going to have to check with the boss, though."

She agreed, already knowing this. "Thanks." Immediately she strode across the station to Tom's office. She knocked, and entered. "Boss, can I ask you something?" she began.

"What is it, Raynor?" he questioned, looking at her over the top of his glasses.

"Can I have until Friday off, starting tomorrow?"

"May I ask why the sudden request?" he asked.

"With all due respect, Boss, I prefer not to say," she replied.

He surveyed her through narrowed eyes. "Alright," he eventually answered. "Have you cleared it with Stewart?"

"I have, and he said he can manage it."

"Then fine." Tom nodded her on, signalling her dismissal.

She nodded respectfully, and smiled before ducking out. "Thanks Boss."

Tom wondered how much he really missed around his station, while being cooped up in his office.

-----

"Ben, I need about half an hour personal time," Evan announced, just before midday.

Ben looked up from his work, wondering why this was a day of dishing out favours to his most junior members. Evan was already halfway out the door. "Fine, go," he relented with a sigh. Not that his answer would have changed the constable's mind, anyhow.

"What was that for?" Jo pondered aloud. Susie bit her tongue and said nothing, having quickly worked out the very reason, but certainly not about to declare it. Jonesy had said in their locker room argument the night before, that Tess was leaving. It made sense for him to see her off, as much as Susie didn't like it.

But somehow, she felt that even with Tess gone, their problems were only just beginning.

-----

"Tess!" he called, climbing out of his car. She poked a blonde head out from behind the ajar front door of her motel room.

"Evan," she greeted. "I was thinking you'd forgotten."

"How could I," he replied rhetorically.

She gave a mild smile. "Well, I'm glad." She heaved her small amount of luggage into her car and dusted her hands off.

"Where's Andrea?" he asked.

"Inside, sleeping. Though it's kind of a pity, I'm going to have to wake her up soon." She gave a wry grin. "Hopefully she won't make too much of a fuss on the trip back."

"I'm sure she'll be fine," Evan replied. "Can I see her?"

"Of course you can," she answered, gesturing for him to follow her inside the motel room. Gently lifting her baby daughter, her eyes automatically lit up with adoration. She placed Andrea in Evan's arms, and his face melted into a genuine smile, a move that seemed somewhat foreign to him after the last few days, with his mind constantly on difficult thoughts.

"You'll tell me when she takes her first step, won't you?" he asked, admiring the child's sparkling blue eyes, already looking so much like her mother.

Tess laughed. "If you want me to."

"You'll grow up into a little sweetheart, I know," he whispered to the infant. "Back to Mum, eh?" He carefully handed her back to his old sergeant, who took her outside to their waiting car.

"I might come back soon," Tess mentioned, strapping Andrea in her child seat. Straightening, she shrugged. "I haven't thought about it too carefully."

"Well, let me know. I wouldn't want to miss you."

She shook her head. "No." They stood still, waiting for the other to speak. "Well, we better be on our way," she eventually said, albeit reluctantly. "I suppose you better get back to work."

"I suppose I should." He wrapped his arms around her, feeling a strange sense of déjà vu. "Drive carefully."

"I will," she promised, hugging him back.

He pulled back and studied her face, a face he knew so well. "You'll tell me if anything happens?"

"Of course," she insisted, slightly exasperated. "You know I will."

"Yeah..." he trailed off, "I know."

They looked at each other for a long time; all the history they shared was hard to put together in one moment. She, finally feeling as though she could understand him on more of a personal level, slowly closing the gap she had created over so many years. Yet there was a twinge inside her, telling her that he wasn't fully here, not one hundred per cent. And he, wishing things between them could have worked out more simply, before others got in the way. As much as he liked being with Tess, he knew he couldn't give himself to her, not anymore. She didn't know about Susie, nor did he plan on her finding out. He had seen first hand what kind of damage it could cause.

"I better go," she finally said, although she half-sounded as though she thought she should do otherwise.

"Yeah," he nodded in agreement.

She turned and climbed into her car, rolling down the window. "Come down to Melbourne some time," she suggested half-heartedly.

He chuckled. "I'll see."

"Well... bye."

"Seeya," he nodded, lifting his hand into a wave as she backed her car out.

He watched her drive out of the motel, just like he had watched her leave Mount Thomas all those many months ago. Back then he felt an immense load of disappointment of her decision to leave, wondering how the station would run without Tess being there. Yet now, he wanted himself to feel a sense of relief, that life could now hopefully fall back into some sort of normality. But it didn't come – instead, he felt that now he would have to face the dilemma of which was his personal life.

It wasn't the same at all.

-----

The end of the day lapped forwards, and Susie suddenly found herself packing up for the week. It felt nice not having to come in to the station for the next few days.

"Not tonight, Jo," she declined, upon being asked if she was going for drinks.

Jo, by this stage, had given up on trying to get through to her friend, or arguing with her almost customary pub refusals. If Susie didn't want to talk, then so be it, she had firmly decided.

"Alright, see you on Saturday, then," Ben said as he prepared to leave with Jo and PJ.

"Saturday?" PJ repeated curiously, he and Jo turning back in surprise. From his desk, Evan also stopped.

"I'm taking a few days off," she replied, glancing at Jo. The senior constable responded with the tiniest of nods and an encouraging smile.

"Oh." PJ looked mildly surprised. "Well, enjoy it," he added, before he and the others left.

The station was oddly quiet, with Tom sitting at his desk, office door closed. With the absence of others, the frosty air of the room was even more pronounced.

"Sure you know what you're doing?" Evan asked suddenly, though not looking up from his work. Susie froze midway of heading to the back door for the police residence.

"I know exactly what I'm doing, thanks," she replied icily, not turning around.

"You can't run away from it all," he said in a low voice.

"I'm not running away!" she snapped. "I'm just taking a bit of time out, that's all. And if you have a problem with that," she added, "then deal with it. So until Saturday, good night."

She left abruptly, and when he heard the door slam closed, only then did he look up.

-----

The sun was unexpectantly bright, streaming through the thin curtains as though it was the middle of summer. Susie squinted and yawned, and involuntarily glanced over to the empty left side of the bed. It hurt her heart, how she had loved and lost – not just once, but twice. Her stomach churned, as though it didn't like the mere thought of it.

Sighing, she wondered what the best way was to live out these three precious days she had off. Perhaps she could go to Melbourne – visit her parents and three brothers, see a few of her old friends. Or would that seem like an easy escape route?

Maybe she would remain in Mount Thomas... and run the risk of talking to people she didn't want to talk to. Upon thinking this, Melbourne sounded rather appealing.

She pulled herself up from her bed, suddenly feeling faint and slightly dizzy. Was she overworked, or coming down with something? More likely stressed out, and really she couldn't blame herself, regardless of how melodramatic it sounded. Mightn't be a great idea to drive for hours if she didn't feel a hundred percent. She couldn't count it on her fingers, all the motor accidents she'd worked on, where at least one of the drivers was overtired or simply not up to it. Far too many, and she didn't want to become an additional statistic.

Rubbing at her head in a half-hearted attempt to let the gentle throbbing subside, she padded into her kitchen for her morning ritual of coffee. Suddenly craving an uncharacteristic need for sugar, she added three teaspoons to the cup, thinking that it would be best to go to the GP, even just to get the all-clear to drive to the city. Just for the sake of her conscience, should something happen.

Yes, she thought defiantly, that would be the first stop. She could decide the rest of her time later.

-----

"You know, it feels oddly empty," Jo thought aloud that morning.

"Well, we're down one member already," Ben pointed out logically.

"Yes, but -" She broke off and shook her head, glancing at Evan. He had been up to something, there was no doubt about it. What with the late arrivals, taking personal time, leaving her in the station by herself that Sunday morning... Did it have anything to do with Susie, Jo wondered. It must have, there was no logical explanation otherwise.

She never thought she would say it, but Jo wished that the station would just return to normal.

-----

"I'm what?" she exclaimed, almost leaping up from her chair.

"Pregnant," the doctor repeated calmly.

Susie blankly looked at the woman, silently begging herself to be dreaming. She would wake up any second, now, she must...

"I assume this wasn't intended?" the doctor's overly-professional voice broke her thoughts, making her realise that this was certainly not any type of dream. Susie felt the sudden urge to slap the woman, if only just to do something rather than sit here like a child.

"No..." she replied faintly, "No, it wasn't."

The doctor nodded briskly. "Well, it was a good thing we tested you, then. Your blood pressure is somewhat high – have you been under any stress lately?"

"You could say that," Susie said weakly, sinking back in her chair.

"Well, try and rest for the next couple of days, for your own good." The doctor looked at her through stern eyes, knowing that it was always difficult to tell a police officer to rest.

"I've taken a few days off already," Susie put in, choosing to forget about the dilemma she would have to face, at least until she got out of the doctor's office.

"Good," the woman nodded approvingly.

"Will I be able to drive to Melbourne?"

"Yes, as long as you don't push yourself too hard. Just don't bite off more than you can chew, is that clear?"

Susie felt as though she was back at school. "Yes, very clear."

Upon arriving back at the police residence, she wondered if going back home would be a good idea – after all, she should just stay in Mount Thomas and decide what the hell she was meant to do, shouldn't she? Yet the thought of Melbourne seemed strangely comforting, and perhaps if she got out of town for a bit, she would be able to think more clearly. Plus, then there was no risk of her crashing into any curious workmates.

Or at least, that's what she hoped.

-----

Susie hauled her carrier bag into the boot of her car, then shutting it with a loud slam. The day had passed too quickly – it was mid-afternoon, several hours after she had been to the doctor. Mere hours since her entire life and its priorities had been thrown completely out of proportion, and she had no control over it whatsoever.

"Suse?" she heard Jo's cheerful voice chirp. Hiding a sigh that was threatening to emerge, she turned to see her and Ben approaching her from the station next door.

"Hey," she greeted, plastering a look of mild surprise on her face.

"You off to Melbourne?" Ben asked unnecessarily, knowing full well of her plans.

"Yeah," Susie replied casually. "You on your way to somewhere?"

"Nah, just came back, actually," Jo put in. "Heard a car boot close, and figured it was you."

Susie nodded acceptingly. "Busy day?"

"No, not really – you haven't missed out on anything," her friend replied. Without making it too obvious, she studied Susie as she unlocked the driver's car door. There was something different about her, Jo realised, though what it was, was hard to tell. Her exterior cool, she spoke calmly as if there wasn't a worry in the world. Jo knew better. She would probably try and shake them off her tail so she could leave.

"Look, if you guys don't mind, I better be going," Susie said predictably. "Don't want to leave too late, after all."

"Yeah, the freeways can get pretty packed towards evening," Ben agreed, completely oblivious to what Jo was thinking.

Susie gave a forced smile, while her insides churned. "I'll see you later." She climbed into her car, leaving Ben and Jo standing there. Once out onto the road, she breathed a sigh of relief. She had maintained her composure, and until Saturday when she had hopefully worked a few things out for herself, she wouldn't have to worry about her colleagues and what they thought of her.

The sigh of relief turned into a sigh of desolation. Just what was she going to do? It wasn't a problem that she could push to the back of her mind and deal with later...

She honestly didn't think she could keep the baby. How could she? Her work prevented her from having much of a social life, let alone give her the time to look after a child. And she would have to take maternity leave, something she couldn't really afford right now.

So would she get rid of it? Eurgh... She grimaced to herself. Could she gain the emotional strength to do that? Would she be able to forgive herself if she did? God knows, in her line of work they took enough people's lives, dealt with enough death, seen the loss of human life being snatched from them...

What about Jonesy, a small voice in her mind piped up. Well, what about him? What he didn't know wouldn't hurt; and this was her decision to make. Especially since they weren't even on speaking terms anymore. No, it would be something she was going to do herself. She didn't need an opinion – after all, it would probably only make things worse – and besides, she was never one to appeal to others when it was unnecessary.

Yet she knew she couldn't push the issue away. But still, she could leave it to stew over in her mind for at least a few more hours...

-----

The day turned into night, and the nights turned into days, until Susie discovered that, all too soon, it was time to go back to work.

She approached it with a heavy feeling of apprehension, for she still hadn't decided what she was going to do. She hadn't breathed a word to her parents, nor to her brothers and other friends. Her parents would be shocked, as she hadn't even told them about Evan yet, and extremely firm in their preference about what she should do. The very idea of telling them she would have an abortion sent cringing chills down her spine. Her brothers, as much as she adored them, would be as much use as a bike for a fish.

And Jo would pick something up, for sure. That woman had inquisitive intuition that seemed to do more harm than good.

Still, she had to get to work eventually. It was inevitable, and the more she agonised over it, the worse it would be.

"Morning," she greeted as she stepped inside the station, not knowing how many people would be there.

"Suse, hey!" PJ said jovially, pleased to see her. "How was Melbourne?"

"Melbourne..." Susie shrugged, "was Melbourne." She glanced around, noting that everyone but Evan seemed to be there.

"Feeling better?" Jo asked quietly when everyone else had drifted back to their individual tasks.

Susie forced herself to give a smile. "I'm fine," she replied, when really she felt nothing of the sort. They were interrupted from any more discussion by Evan entering the station.

"Morning all," he said, dumping his bag on his chair. Noticing the constable and feeling he should say something, he nodded. He couldn't really ignore her; it would give an excuse for Ben, or even Tom, to come swooping down like a hawk. "Susie."

At least he was making the effort, Susie thought to herself. Perhaps it was by time she did too. "Jonesy." Jo looked from one to the other in amusement.

And so the atmosphere of the station wasn't as biting as it had been at the beginning of the week. Instead, it had been overtaken with a polite, still air – but anything was an improvement. All due to the ever-changing and almost dysfunctional relationship she had with Jonesy, Susie mused. From complete happiness, to oblivious surprise, to a deep sense of hurt, to a full-blown argument and major avoidance in just a matter of a week was incomprehensible – she didn't even think it was remotely possible!

Obviously, she had proved herself wrong.

-----

The station seemed to sink back into a sense of normality, Ben realised with relief. It was never easy to have two officers in conflict, especially not in such a tight-knit group as they all were. Even the Boss seemed to be glad he wouldn't have to give his two constables a talking to – something he avoided as much as possible. The realisation that the constables had problems concerning each other became more than obvious, especially with Susie's three-day absence. Although there was nowhere near the same amount of joking around there used to be, at least no one was at each other's throats – for the time being.

Susie went about the next few days with a distinctly different outlook – how much was she about to lose if she went through with this? The others, excluding Evan, would all be extremely supportive, she knew that. Evan, she didn't know. Maybe he would want nothing to do with it. Maybe he wanted to walk back into her life and play the father who could do no wrong. Neither of which she would allow.

But disregarding anyone else for the moment, her life would be put on hold. She would have to be restricted to desk duties, become non-operational, and eventually take leave – which, she thought, would drive her insane. She was insane for even thinking it! She wasn't cut out to become a mother in any shape or form. What would she do when her leave dried up – dump her child into care for ten hours a day? She couldn't possibly do that to any child, let alone her own.

But the thought that she was carrying, and hence responsible, for something alive made her heart beat faster. Something that would be entirely dependant on her. Could she take a life in cold blood, so deliberate, like that?

The same thoughts circled her mind like a constant twinge. She was acting as normally as she possibly could, but it was hard, and her façade was starting to wear thin around the edges. Jo was still quietly concerned about her, as was Ben, but they could do nothing.

"Hey, Susie, did you hear me?" She suddenly found herself being spoken to by Ben. Looking up, she cocked her head slightly.

"Sorry?"

"Have you not been listening to a word I've been saying?" he asked, then decided he didn't want to know. "We received a tip off: Sampson's meeting another dealer."

"Any ideas where?" she asked, mind firmly back on police work.

"Yeah, by the old rail yards," he replied with a roll of his eyes. "You'd think the crims would find somewhere new after all these years."

"Yeah," she replied absently, putting on her jacket and taking her gun belt, before proceeding outside to where PJ, Evan and Jo were waiting.

"Sure you're up for this?" her sergeant asked, concern in his tone evident.

She turned back, already halfway out the door. "Of course I am. Quit worrying, Ben, I'm fine."

"Then lead the way, Constable," he said, giving her an encouraging smile.

-----

They watched PJ standing at the door, ready to throw it open. He held up three fingers, and one by one, put them down. On the last, he kicked at the door, bright outside light streaming into the dimly lit building.

"Police!" They yelled in unison, glancing around. Their efforts seemed to be wasted, the building looking to be very much deserted. The slightly musty air made no sound, nor movement.

PJ gestured for them to split up and search for any signs of life. Ben and Evan went with the detective to the right, and Jo and Susie to the left.

Their footsteps made hardly a sound against the concrete as they crept along with uttermost caution.

The group met back in the middle again after a few minutes. "Must've got their own tip off that we'd be here," PJ sighed with both relief and frustration.

"Ah well, there'll be other times," Ben murmured logically to no one in particular.

"Getting towards lunchtime, I think," the detective remarked, looking at his watch.

"Peej, can you think of anything else but your stomach?" Jo chided, as they headed toward the exit.

Following them out, Susie suddenly stopped, listening carefully. Quietly, and without anyone else noticing, she stopped to check behind some old oil drums that had been oddly left behind from some time ago. With a gasp, she came face to face with a man, who looked to be just as shocked she did to encounter someone. Her hand instinctively drew to her hip, reaching for her gun. However, before she got the chance to draw it out, the man had held up a hand, holding a gun of his own that glinted in the dusty light. Susie noticed his hand tremble in fear, as she opened her mouth.

"Pol -" was all she got out, before the man panicked and fired, before scampering off like a frightened rabbit.

"What the -?" Ben exclaimed, hearing the unmissable gunshot. They whipped around to look behind them, unable to see where it had come from.

"Susie!" Jo cried, breaking the silence, and sprinting over to where the constable lay, almost out of sight. Reaching the place with the others following in suit, Jo collapsed next to her. "Oh my God," she muttered in panic, upon seeing her colleague holding her stomach, already an obvious red stain spreading across her standard blue police shirt. "Hey, Suse, are you with me?" Jo asked, touching her lightly on the head. She was still conscious, but only just, and Jo feared how long she would last.

"Jo..." Susie panted, clutching her side, her gun lying raggedly on the ground where she had dropped it. Her face was strained from the explosion of white hot pain erupting inside, spreading from her stomach to her legs.

"Peej, call an ambulance!" Jo yelled, although it was unnecessary; he already was. "Susie, you'll be alright, just hold on, okay?" she told her, pressing her hands down on top of her friend's.

"Shit, Jo, don't..." Susie swore, the pain only ripping through her to a higher degree.

"I'm sorry, Suse, we have to apply pressure to slow the bleeding," Jo replied, her face scared, apologetic and encouraging all at the same time as she kept her hands firmly where they were.

Susie didn't bother protesting any longer: she didn't seem to have the energy. Even now, her mind seemed to be blackening around the edges, she didn't know how long she could last...

"Must... save... it," she gasped, hardly aware of what she was saying. Her chest was feeling heavy, it was becoming harder to breathe as her lungs refused to co-operate.

Jo didn't have the faintest clue of what Susie was talking about, but right now, she disregarded it. "Don't worry, everything will be okay," she promised, her hands shaking slightly. "Ben and Jonesy are meeting the ambulance now – you'll be fine," she repeated firmly.

"Suse, it's PJ," the detective spoke up from behind Jo, "You've just gotta hang on for us, the ambulance is going to be here really soon."

"I can't..." Susie gritted her teeth together in agony. She wanted it to end, she wanted to die right there and then, if only just to stop the pain that seemed worse than she could ever imagine...

"You can, Susie, you can." She didn't know who spoke it, nor did she care. Her eyelids drooped, and she felt the immense urge to close them, and just let all of this fade away...

"Susie? You still with us? Come on, just hold on."

A sob escaped from her throat, although no tears emerged. Why couldn't Jo take away this pain? What the hell was she doing? And the baby... she couldn't let it die.

"Suse, ambulance is here – can you hear the sirens?"

The voices above her were growing distant, she wanted them to go away and leave her alone...

Some instinctive thought made her keep her eyes open, until they could no longer. The darkness smothered her, soothing the pain.

"Hell, she's turned unconscious," Jo muttered, panic rising within her. "Susie? Can you hear me?"

"Excuse me, ambulance service," an authoritative voice called out, footsteps pounding towards them.

"She – she just went unconscious." Jo stumbled upon her words, reluctantly standing up, but also glad to leave things to the professionals who would treat her friend and colleague in the best way they could.

"Don't worry, we've got her now," one of the ambos replied, as he and his partner loaded Susie up onto a stretcher, before carrying her away.

Jo watched them go, and felt PJ's arm around her shoulders. Roughly wiping away some emotional tears with the back of her wrist, she breathed in deeply.

"She's in the best hands," PJ said softly. "There's nothing more we can do."

"Where's Jonesy?" she asked, instinctively wondering how the constable was.

"Outside with the ambulance, I think. He'll be right, Jo."

She nodded, and looked down at her hands. They had deep red streaks painted on them, and she desperately wanted to wash them away. PJ saw, and kissed the top of her head. "It'll be alright."

-----

Evan watched the ambulance roar off, a deep feeling of queasiness enveloping his stomach. No matter what he and Susie had been through in the last week, he didn't want her hurt – not now, not ever. And if something happened... He wouldn't ever forgive himself.

"Jonesy," Ben's voice startled him from his thoughts. "We're going to the hospital, are you coming?"

He nodded mutely, for once preferring to follow, rather than lead. Ben patiently waited for him to get in the car. He didn't know what was going on, nor did he have any particular desire to find out at that moment. The issues seemed shambolic, and any involvement would seem the last thing that was needed.

For now, the thing to concentrate on was Susie's state, and if he had to push away any curiosity he had developed between the two constables, then he would.

-----

The officers stood in a tight group, waiting with an obvious edge of tension. No questions were asked of their presence – it seemed that all the hospital staff knew of the young policewoman who had been admitted, and her colleagues who were standing with such anxiety painted clearly on their faces.

"Any news, Doctor?" PJ asked as he caught sight of the man who had been treating Susie.

"She has just come out of theatre," the doctor replied, stopping by them. "She lost a large amount of blood, which is common in wounds to the stomach, but it is under control now. The highest risk right now is peritonitis – infection," he added as explanation. "However, we'll keep her monitored and do our best to keep that from happening."

"So she'll be alright?" Ben cut in sharply.

"It seems that Miss Raynor was lucky that the bullet did not hit her liver or spleen, or else the bleeding would have been considerably worsened," the doctor told them. "Nor did it hit her intestines. In fact," he added, "she's one of those rare cases. I'd say she has a very good chance."

"Can we see her?"

"She's just being transported to her ward, so you'd be better to come back tomorrow. Preferably in smaller groups," he added.

"Thank you," PJ said quietly, and the doctor nodded curtly, before striding off once more.

"Well, that's a good sign," Jo exhaled, although she still looked worried.

"Let's hope it stays that way," Ben replied, with a glance at Evan, who had remained silent for the duration.

With an inward sigh, the sergeant that all would turn out well... or was that possibly too much to ask for?

-----

Black gradually turned to white, as she slowly opened her eyes. Feeling as though every limb was weighed down with lead, she blinked at the ceiling for a few moments, trying to get both her eyes and her mind focussed.

"Ah, you're awake!" an unfamiliar voice spoke. With effort, she looked to her right, to see a nurse looking back at her. "You're in the Mount Thomas Hospital – do you remember what happened?"

Susie grimaced, her mind slowly waking itself up. "The rail yards... I was shot."

"Good," the nurse nodded approvingly. "I know you'll be feeling a bit lethargic at the moment, that's just due to the medication you're on. Doctor Lee will be here in just a moment."

Susie nodded gratefully, and the nurse left her to her own devices. She caught sight of a bunch of flowers in a vase, sitting by the bedside, and a card attached. She was wondering how long it had been, when a man who was obviously her doctor, entered the room.

"Miss Raynor, how are you feeling?" he asked. "Any pain?"

"No," she replied truthfully.

"Well, you would be if we took you off the morphine," he said wryly. "As a matter of fact, now that you're awake, we'll cut it down slightly."

"Doctor, how long have I -" she began to ask, not really caring about her medication until some other things that were cluttering her brain were cleared.

"Two days, now," he answered swiftly. "Your colleagues have been very worried about you."

"Oh." Her mind flew to Evan, for reasons unfathomable. Don't go there, she told herself, forcing herself to replace her attention in front of her. Another biting question was still itching to be asked, and it filled her with some apprehension, for she didn't really want to know what would be said. Closing her eyes for a moment to calm herself, she asked, "And did you get to save it?"

"If you're talking about the embryo... I'm extremely sorry, Miss Raynor – we tried, but there was no way we could have rescued your baby."

She nodded slightly, deep down already knowing the answer. It wasn't fair... She felt the inner corners of her eyes sting, but kept any emotion down.

"I'll arrange to have a counsellor come and -" he continued.

"No," Susie interrupted quickly. "There's no need."

He looked wary. "Miss Raynor, you've just lost your child and suffered terrible abdominal trauma. It's really in your best interests."

"I'm fine," she insisted.

The doctor decided to leave the issue for the time being. "Well, if you feel any pain, please let me know, alright?"

"Sure," she agreed. "How long until I get out?"

"Not at least another five days. And then, bed rest. You're not going back to work for at least two weeks." The constable looked as though she was going to protest, until he cut in before she could. "You were extremely lucky," he told her seriously, "so don't push it. I don't think your colleagues would like you so narrowly escaping death, to lose again."

"Yes, Doctor," she murmured quietly, and he decided to leave the young woman to get her mind around a few things.

-----

"She is? Oh, that's fantastic. Thank you very much." Ben hung up the phone, looking a lot happier than any of them had been in the past couple of days.

"Who was it? Was it the hospital?" Jo piped up eagerly.

"Yep," he nodded, "And Susie's woken up."

"That's great!" Jo exclaimed with glee, unable to help herself. "We should go and pay her a visit tonight."

"Agreed," Ben replied firmly. "Jonesy?" he asked quietly.

"Yeah?"

"Will you come?" A few moments of silence evolved, until Ben added, "Susie would love to see you."

Evan doubted this, but didn't bother to divulge this information to the rest of the station. He merely shrugged, turning away.

-----

Susie woke that evening with the entrance of her friends, who were doing their best to keep quiet but failing.

"Hey," she said with a smile, sitting up slightly with a wince. The painkillers didn't prevent her from feeling the tender wound of her stomach at the best of times.

"How are you feeling?" Jo asked immediately.

"I've seen better days," she replied honestly.

"But you're okay now, yeah?" PJ clarified.

"Yeah." She looked at them all: Jo, looking ecstatic; PJ, relieved; Ben, glad to have her back; Tom, smiling down at her... she glanced at Evan, who was standing on the edge of the group. What she could have had, if not for one bullet... She forced her mind stay on track, she couldn't afford to let her friends see her thinking about that. She tore her eyes away, not knowing how she was supposed to act.

PJ saw her eyes sadden upon looking at Evan; it was hardly noticeable, but years of detective work had trained him to read changes of expression exceptionally well. He wondered what she was thinking, what was the truth under all the quiet station speculation... he doubted he would find out, least of all now.

"How long until you're back with us?" Ben asked.

She sighed. "Two weeks, depending on how I go."

"Raynor, take your time," Tom told her firmly, sounding uncannily like her doctor. "Don't make it worse."

She gave him a reassuring look. "Don't worry, Boss, I'll try my best. So," she quickly pushed the focus off herself, "how are you all?"

"We're just worried about you," Ben said.

"Don't be," she shook her head. "Have you – ah, got any leads yet?" she asked, referring to the man who had shot her. She knew the answer as soon as she had asked it, but waited nevertheless.

Jo grimaced. "Not yet, Suse, I'm sorry."

"You're gonna have to give me a formal statement," PJ put in, somewhat reluctant to do this when he knew it was the last thing the constable would feel like doing.

Susie dismissed this, however. "Sure, whenever is fine."

"Tomorrow, mid-morning, then," he decided.

A silence fell around the room, Susie absently smoothing the creases in the blanket that covered the lower half of her.

"This from your family?" Ben asked, gesturing towards the card and the flowers.

Susie looked up. "Oh – yeah," she replied, as if she only just remembered them. She looked as though she had reached the end of what she was going to say, and made no further effort to talk. The others didn't push it.

Seeing she wanted her own time, the officers quietly excused themselves, emptying the room once more.

Once outside, Jo turned to PJ. "Peej, did Susie seem, well, distant to you? As in, more than she's been lately?"

He gave her a chary look, determined not to voice his own concerns. "Jo, she's just escaped a fatal bullet. She's probably just overtired from the medication."

"Yeah," Jo murmured, not entirely convinced, but not having the power to do anything about it.

-----

Susie watched them leave, feeling a pang of guilt hit her. She hadn't meant to make things awkward, she just couldn't keep her mind on the small talk. She appreciated them coming, really she did, it was just... she had to sort out her own feelings before dealing with anyone else.

At least the bullet solved one problem for her, she thought, then promptly felt disgusted at herself. She couldn't bring herself to get rid of the baby, so she had to rely on a stranger to do it for her. What kind of person did that make her?

She didn't deserve to have the friends she did. Perhaps this bullet was the hard mark that she had to cope with, although it hadn't given her much grief yet – physically, anyway. Normally she would be quite eager to get back to work, but at the moment, she could hardly face her colleagues, let alone deal with the comings and goings of the station.

She wondered if the doctor had ignored her, and chased up a counsellor for her. But what good what it do, telling a stranger, no matter how qualified they were, how she felt and what she wanted, when she didn't even know herself?

It wasn't going to be easy, she realised. None of this would be.

-----

"Good morning, Constable," PJ greeted overly-cheerily for that time of day as he entered her room.

Susie looked up from the magazine the nurse had chased up for her. "Hi, PJ," she replied, seeming pleasant enough, but nowhere near matching the brightness in the detective's voice. "I suppose you want my statement now?" she added with sigh, putting the magazine by the bedside.

"As much as I would like not to, it's gotta be done," he said apologetically. She knew it already.

"Well, I don't know what I can tell you, really," Susie shrugged. "I heard a noise, just a movement, and went over to the oil drums. The man was just standing there, and as I pulled out my gun, he raised his with his right hand," she paused, trying to remember. "Yeah, his right hand."

"And what did he look like?" PJ asked.

"About 180 centimetres, average build, medium brown hair," she replied. "Um, he was wearing jeans and a black shirt, and Blundstones I think," she added. "Just like half the town, huh?"

"Yeah," PJ smiled dryly. "Then what happened?"

"I began to yell out 'Police', but he -" her voice cracked slightly, "fired and took off." She took a breath.

PJ nodded sympathetically and held her shoulder comfortingly. "Okay, thanks for this, Suse," he said, "I'll leave you be. Look after yourself."

"Thanks, PJ," she replied, before he left.

-----

The day passed, and Evan decided to visit his fellow constable again the next night. He had been quiet all day, and when he had declined the usual after-shift drinks in pursuit of something else, the others decided to leave him alone. After putting two and two together, to realise the tension both constables felt were aimed at each other, they figured he had to deal with it in his own way, despite not knowing the story whatsoever.

The urge to see her was fairly strong, yet there was also a part of him that didn't want to. Why he was doing this, he didn't know. What did he want to achieve?

He slowly made his way down the hospital corridor, and stopped outside her room. His last chance to pull out.

With a breath, and knowing that if he didn't go in, he never would, he stepped inside. She was already preoccupied with a magazine, but didn't seem all that interested in what she was reading. She looked up when he entered, and upon seeing who is was, looked down again. Not this... Susie couldn't face this already, it was too soon.

"Hi," he said awkwardly, wondering what he was going to say.

"Hi," she replied shortly.

"How're you feeling?"

"Fine." She looked up again with a raised eyebrow, silently questioning why he was here.

"Look, Suse," he began, "I just wanted to say that I'm – I'm sorry for whatever has happened lately, and that..." he shrugged half-heartedly, "I hope it doesn't happen again."

She nodded wordlessly, waiting for him to continue.

He stood in silence for a moment. "And also, I really hated it when we were fighting, so if you never want to speak to me again, that's okay – but just don't ever start another argument."

She nodded again, swallowing the lump in her throat, afraid to speak. She wouldn't have known what to say, anyway.

"Well, that's it." He stood there uncomfortably for a minute longer, before deciding his time was up. "Seeya." He left as quickly as he had come.

She looked at the space where he had been standing, with the sudden urge to call him back. "Seeya," she whispered instead, tears welling in her eyes.

-----

A few days later, she was only too glad to see herself back at home. The stomach still gave her pain, but it was minimal, and nowhere near the emotional trauma what she was feeling inside. The doctor had given her strict instructions to 'take it easy', but she had a sneaking suspicion that what he defined it to be was going to be distinctly different to her own definition of the term. As such, she felt that she shouldn't have to be cooped up at home for another week. It would drive her nuts, she hypothesised.

"Anyone home?" Jo called from behind her front door. Susie sighed and got up from the couch, wincing as she did.

"Hey Jo," she said, wrenching the door open.

"How are ya?" the senior constable asked.

"Yeah, good – what are you doing here?"

"Just seeing how you are," Jo replied blankly, as if it was obvious.

Susie hid a smile. "No, I mean, shouldn't you be working?"

"Oh, that," Jo waved a hand as though it wasn't important. "Well, I'm off to collect the lunches, I thought I might quickly drop by."

Susie perked up slightly. "Can I come with you?"

Her friend looked wary. "Nah, Suse, I really don't think -"

"Jo, what harm is it going to do?" she interrupted.

"Fine." Jo surrendered, though honestly not minding the company. "Just don't let me regret it."

-----

"Suse!" Chris exclaimed upon seeing her enter the station with Jo. "How're you feeling?"

"Good, thanks Chrissie," Susie smiled, although it didn't quite reach her eyes. "How's the Imperial running?"

"Same as usual, nothing changes around here," the publican grinned. "Can I get you anything?"

"Nah, I'm just here to pick up the lunches with Jo," Susie replied.

"Who, might I add, would like them before it's dinnertime," Jo cut in impatiently. Chris sent Sam off for the lunches, before turning back to the two women.

"How long until you're back in uniform?"

"Another week," Susie sighed, obviously not happy with the arrangement.

"Right, I better get back, ta Chris," Jo said with a touch of intolerance. "Do you want a lift back, Suse, or would you rather walk?"

"Okay, I'm coming," Susie said, giving Chris half a wry smile.

"Oh, Susie," Chris called as she turned away. Susie frowned, looking at back at her. "Jonesy's been awfully quiet the last few nights," she said in a low voice. "Any idea what's up?"

Susie shifted uncomfortably, and from commonsense and the unexpected hospital visit, had a fair idea. "Nah, probably just overworked or something," she replied. "Anyway, seeya later, Chrissie."

She escaped quickly with Jo, leaving the publican being not the only person to wonder what exactly was up.

-----

Susie glanced at the clock on the wall; it was just on seven-thirty that night, no doubt everyone was at the pub. Chris words rang through her head: 'Been awfully quiet the last few nights... been awfully quiet... awfully quiet...' Perhaps it was a turning point, but something inside Susie had awoken, despite her wishing it hadn't.

Her hands reached for the phone, and began to dial a pathetically, ashamedly familiar mobile number. Halfway through, she slammed the receiver down, staring at it heatedly. Get a grip, she told herself sternly. Either do it, or forget about it.

Forgetting about it seemed like the easy option... But he had to know, a small voice in her mind said. No, he didn't, another part argued. What he didn't know couldn't hurt him. There was no point, it was in the past now. Gone. Forgotten.

Or not.

It was his right to know. She couldn't keep it from him, it wasn't fair. And although they weren't exactly on the best terms, it didn't mean she had to be indecent either.

Jonesy would want to know, she told herself firmly. He would feel worse not knowing, or finding out the wrong way. It had been his child too, after all.

But her hand wasn't willing to pick the phone up again. She couldn't do it, as much as she felt that she should.

Maybe her heart was telling her something, she didn't know.

-----

Roughly a week later Susie went into work with a manner that she had never left.

"Morning," she announced upon entering. Jo looked up with a smile. It looked as though her friend had got rid of those demons while on sick leave. Perhaps things around the station would return to normal.

"Ah, Raynor, nice of you to join us again," Tom said pleasantly, before turning to Ben. "Sergeant?"

"Hmm? Oh, right," he said, holding out a slip of paper. "Report of a disturbance down on the Porter's property, Macmillan Lane. Jo, Susie?"

"Sure," Susie replied quickly, taking the address and swiftly heading off with Jo.

-----

"Doctor give you the all-clear, did he?" Jo asked, climbing out of the patrol car when they had reached the farming property.

Susie gave her a look over the top of the vehicle. "Jo, the doctor released me over a week ago."

"Yeah, but doesn't he, like, tell you when you can work again?"

"Yeah, and it's fine," Susie replied, stressing the last work. "Come on, I know what I'm doing."

"Okay, okay." Jo held her hands up in mock surrender.

They strode over to the front door of the house. "Mount Thomas Police, is anyone home?" The house was silent, nor was there any sign of movement.

"Round the back," Jo muttered, and they went around to the back of the house.

"Shh," Susie hissed, holding her back with an arm. The two women listened.

"There's someone there," Jo breathed, barely audible.

"Police!" they called simultaneously, leaping out and looking around them. Suddenly, a bush shook, and a figure jumped out from behind it and took off.

"Hey, come back here!" Jo scrambled after him. Susie watched her go, desperately wishing she wasn't feeling so fragile. Chasing after some kid didn't seem like good exercise for her healing stomach.

After a few minutes, Jo came back, breathlessly dragging along a teenage boy.

"And who's this?" Susie asked, directing the question at him.

"Brett Webber," he muttered, looking at the ground.

"And how old are you?"

"Sixteen."

The two officers exchanged looks.

"I think it's time you came down to the station with us."

-----

"So what were you doing there, Brett?" Jo asked, tapping the end of her pen on the notebook lying on the table in front.

He shrugged. "I was looking for something."

"Yeah? What's that?"

"Four-leaf clovers."

Susie snorted disbelievingly. "And did you find any?"

"I might have if you hadn't pulled me up so soon," he retorted.

"Well, mate, you'd be looking for a long time before you found any," Jo said with a raised eyebrow. "Especially in country Victoria during a dry season." He avoided eye contact and said nothing. "Eh? What were you really doing?"

"I wasn't doing anything," he insisted, sitting back in his chair. "Look, I haven't done anything wrong!"

"We'll be the judge of that," Susie replied. "I reckon you were going to break into the Porter's, weren't you?"

The boy smirked knowingly and looked directly at her, raising his hand. He pointed his index and middle fingers in her direction. "Pow. That's one to you, Constable."

Her heart skipped a beat, as she looked at his young eyes which were laughing at her. Could he know...? How did he...?

_Stepped forwards and saw him, his eyes widen in shock... her hand wouldn't move quickly enough to her belt, he fired... The pain, it was white-hot, burning her insides... She fell to the ground, her legs unable to support her, she heard footsteps disappearing, and he was gone..._

"Hey, Suse, are you alright?" Jo said softly, looking concerned. She looked like she had just seen a ghost.

"Um, yeah," she muttered, standing up. "Excuse me for a minute."

She slammed the door behind her, and made off for the locker room without looking in any direction except for where she was heading.

Sitting down on the wooden bench, she breathed in deeply, trying to synchronise her heart to slower beats. She was hoping this wouldn't happen to her, in fact, she was almost convinced that it wouldn't...

She could see the barrel of the gun pointing towards her, so small, yet so lethal. She could see the man's eyes, wide open with shock. She could feel the cold concrete under her body as she lay on the ground. The day 'it' had been taken away from her.

Susie shook her head, attempting to shake the thoughts with it. It didn't work, and she held her head in her hands.

The door opened, and Ben looked in. "Susie, are you okay?"

She raised her head to smile. "Yeah, I'm fine... I just strained my stomach muscles, that's all," she added.

"Are you sure?" The sergeant didn't look entirely convinced.

"Absolutely. Now, if you'll excuse me..." She stood and pushed past him, heading back for the interview room.

She entered, and sat down. Jo looked at her worriedly, but she ignored it. "So, have you told us anything, Brett?" she asked calmly, and on the surface, seemingly back to normal.

-----

"You know, as much as she says she's fine, I don't think she is," Jo muttered to Ben as he sent Susie off to deliver Brett back home.

"What happened in there?" he questioned.

"The kid just went like this -" she re-enacted the gun-like gesture with her fingers, "and she froze."

"Did she see a counsellor at the hospital, do you know?" Ben asked anxiously.

"I don't think so," Jo said dubiously, with a look. "Oh, come on, Ben, you know as well as I that she would refuse to."

"Just checking," he replied, before sighing. "Couldn't you, er, talk to her?"

"What do you reckon I've been trying to do for the past three weeks?" she asked incredulously. "She keeps insisting that she's fine." Jo turned around to spot Evan, engrossed in his work. "Mate, do you reckon you can see what's wrong?"

"What's wrong with what?" he asked, swivelling his chair around to face them.

"Susie." He opened his mouth to protest, when Jo cut in. "Please, Jonesy, just find out what's wrong. If she won't talk to you, she won't talk to anyone."

"Oh, trust me, that chance is pretty small," he said seriously. Jo just sent him a pleading look. "Oh, I'll see what I can do," he finally replied, though looking incredibly unpromising.

-----

Susie closed her front door firmly behind her, leaning on the cold surface as though it would bring her some comfort. After dismissing the idea of drinks at the pub as per usual, she had quickly retreated back to the sanctuary of her own home, a place where she didn't have to keep up her façade.

Why the hell had she reacted to the kid in the way she had? She knew that her mind wasn't exactly trouble-free, yet to completely freeze...? She sighed, wishing she knew what was wrong. She couldn't have felt smaller.

She was interrupted by short, sharp raps at her door. If it was Jo pestering her again, she would –

"Hi," Evan said, holding a bottle in his hand. "Er, can I come in?"

Knowing she didn't have much choice, and preferring to deal with any hurdles now rather than later, she silently held the door open for him.

"Brought you this," he added, holding out the wine.

She took it and placed it on the table. "You didn't have to do that."

"Ah, well... any excuse to drink it, eh?" he replied wryly. She cracked a tiny shadow of a smile, which was more than encouraging.

"Look, Suse – everyone's really worried about ya," Evan stated quickly, deciding not to waste time on any polite pleasantries.

"And you've been sent as the messenger to pry it out of me," she supplied.

He struggled for an answer. "Well, kinda... sort of," he said slowly. "Actually, no." He changed his trail of thought. "I came here to ask you, because I'm worried, y'see – not for Jo, or anyone else. I came here for me."

She didn't quite know what to say, without sounding as openly vulnerable as she felt she was. She couldn't let him know that, although she feared he might see it anyway. Had he landed here as her chance to tell all?

"I know I've been a bastard," he continued, deciding that if there was any chance of reconciliation, at least on his part, it would be now. Then the ball would be in her court. "And I'm sorry for doing things I shouldn't have done, and not doing other things that I should have. I just want things between us to go back to normal; not the way things have been lately, because it's crap and it shouldn't have to be." He stopped abruptly, unsure of where to go next. It felt like a weight had rolled off his shoulders; to finally let go of the things that had been cluttering his mind.

"So you're saying..." Susie trailed off uncertainly.

He picked up on this train of thought, however. "No!" he cut in quickly. "I don't mean the way things were before... well, before Tess came back and everything," he explained awkwardly. "I just mean that, you have my support in everything, and that no matter what you may think, you can still trust me. And I don't want to swell in what's happened – I want to leave it at that and move forwards."

Susie looked down, unable to keep eye contact with him. Yet he had probably just confessed most of what had been on his mind, and probably deserved some credit for that. "Thank you," she said quietly, her heart warmed by his words somewhat. Now it was her turn.

"So... you gonna tell me what's up?" he asked carefully.

She hesitated, suddenly getting cold feet. She was uncertain of what she was going to do – maybe she had been wrong about this all along. "There's nothing to tell."

He sighed exasperatingly. "That's a load of bull, and you know it."

"I don't know what you're talking about, Jonesy," she replied severely, hating herself for what she was doing. She had to tell him now, she just had to...

"Come on, Susie, so I just come over here to spill everything out for the fun of it?" he exclaimed, only too-familiar anger creeping into his voice.

"Oh, so you only talked to me so you would get something in return," she snapped furiously. "It's too late now, for God's sake! It's gone, and -" She stopped abruptly, silently kicking herself.

He froze, and looked at her intently. "What's gone?"

"Nothing," she muttered, turning away.

"Christ, Susie!" he yelled, fed up with it all. "What the hell is going on? What aren't you telling me?"

"Why the hell would you want to know, anyway?" she yelled back, her eyes stinging threateningly.

"It's because I care!"

"Just go, Jonesy," she instructed angrily, before her emotions got the better of her.

"No," he replied irately, not moving an inch.

"Drop it!"

"I'm not going to!"

She burst into the tears that had finally risen out of her control. After a few seconds, she at last looked up at him, who was standing there shell-shocked at her sudden display of waterworks. "I was pregnant, Jonesy."

His anger diffused like the air out of a burst balloon. "What?" he managed, staring in disbelief. Surely he had misheard?

"I was pregnant," she repeated slightly louder, pronouncing each word clearly.

His heart stopped. "What do you mean, 'was'...?"

Her face was strained. "I lost it, Jonesy, it was that bullet -" her voice cracked and she broke off.

"Hell," he muttered, shock still etched onto his face. "And – it was mine, right?"

"Oh, what do you reckon?" she snapped again, wiping away her tears hurriedly with the back of her hands. There was a loaded pause, when she realised her tone of voice. "Sorry," she said lowly.

He didn't seem to notice, lost in his own thoughts. He suddenly realised she was still in tears, and guided her to her couch without a word. He sat down next to her, wondering if there was any more she was going to say. It seemed not.

"And were you going to tell me – I mean, if it hadn't turned out the way it had?"

"Well, we weren't exactly the best of friends when I found out, were we?" she replied wryly, though still obviously on edge. She sighed. "Well, I hadn't worked out what I wanted to do yet, so..." She pressed her fingers to her lips and looked at him properly for the first time. "I wasn't going to have it, Jonesy -" her voice started to break again, "but when I lost it, I – I felt a part of me being lost as well. And that's when I realised that I'd wanted it, I always had."

He silently took her into his arms as she dissolved into tears once more, not knowing why, but figuring that keeping a lid on her emotions for so long was taking its toll on her. She allowed herself to be held, it seeming like years since he had done that, rather than just under a month. She had forgotten how safe and comforting it felt.

Neither of them knew how long they sat there, both thinking of what could have been. Evan remembered the last time something similar had happened; when Becky had confronted him in the pub, in front of Tess, telling him she was pregnant, and that they were going to be a family. He had been somewhat relieved when it had been discovered he wasn't the father – it was something he definitely hadn't needed at the time.

But now... he felt his heart beat faster at the thought of becoming a father. For some reason it didn't sound as ludicrous as he thought.

Not that it mattered any more, because it was gone.

_**Got a fist of pure emotion  
Got a head of shattered dreams  
Gotta leave it, gotta leave it all behind now  
**_

"I'm so sorry, Jonesy," Susie said quietly, her tears finally subsiding. "I should have told you. I just – I didn't see the point in hurting you unnecessarily."

He shook his head. "It doesn't matter now."

"Pity about the wine," she murmured into his shoulder.

"What about it?"

"I can't drink for another week – doctor's orders," she replied, sitting up from his hold, and smiling. The storm had finally passed, and her mind was clearer than it had been for weeks.

"Oh." He chuckled, somewhat amused. "Well, I guess it'll just have to wait." She sensed his words were loaded, and looked at him questioningly.

Evan cupped her face and impulsively kissed her, a feeling so familiar, yet seeming somewhat new at the same time. She let herself be, already feeling content with herself, something that she hadn't felt for what seemed like an age. It wasn't known to either what exactly it meant, but it opened a door of promises that had been almost forgotten.

Pulling away, he smiled crookedly. "Suse, I can't really ask you for anything," he said quietly, "So let's just take one day at a time, and -"

"- see where we end up," she finished with a nod. He was right. They were right.

It felt good, knowing that now they had the power to control their own story, even if fate did sometimes intervene.

And that was perfectly fine with the both of them.

**_...Whatever I said, whatever I did, I didn't mean it  
I just want you back for good  
_**

the end


End file.
